As the child grows older, more and more demands begin to be made of him. The older he gets, the more complex the problems and tasks facing him become, and the more anxiety and fears his parents have about his future. This is completely natural. However, very often, this leads to overestimated requirements. Parents act out of good intentions, seeking to prepare their child for the complexities of adulthood, and therefore expect that he will be successful and perfect in everything. Increased study load, household duties, additional classes and sections - a lot of responsibilities and requirements. And at this time, the teenager himself, not physically or psychologically, is not ready to meet expectations and fulfill everything that adults require of him.

If you want your teenager to hear you, learn to listen to him!

After all, the real need of his age is the need for communication. The most important task from the point of view of personality formation is to learn how to interact in society, in a group, to gain experience in trusting friendships. Whereas on the part of adults this need is limited in every possible way. Hence the feeling of incomprehensibility, loss, loneliness that adolescents face.

The condition of a teenager is very special, this is a crisis period associated with strong psycho-emotional stress, physiological restructuring of the body. No wonder sometimes the state of a teenager is compared with the state of a pregnant woman. Therefore, when mental stress reaches a certain maximum, it works in the mind, like a kind of protective filter that tries to protect it from excessive stress. This is one of the reasons for "deafness" when a teenager ignores the demands addressed to him. Learn to understand a teenager, compare his abilities, not only physical, but also mental, with your requirements.

Right to free time

In addition, adolescence is the time of the formation of self-esteem and awareness of the personality of psychological boundaries. That is, a teenager learns to have and lag behind his point of view. At this time, he also has a need for personal time and his own interests. For full development, it is impossible to completely deprive a teenager of such an opportunity and right. He should have the opportunity to walk after school, communicate with peers, read books that are interesting to him, watch films, etc., and not just study, do household chores.

Make a "contract"

Conclude an “agreement” with a teenager - draw up an agreement with a teenager at a family council, where you discuss not only his rights, but also your requirements, which he himself undertakes to fulfill. Also be sure to discuss the system of penalties for non-compliance with their obligations. Punishment should not be physical, humiliate the child. As a penalty, you can offer a reduction in the time of games and walks with peers, use of a computer, etc.

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In many ways, the life of parents and children during the period when schoolchildren enter a transitional age is complicated not so much by the changes that occur, but by the panic fear of the first. Fears associated with the upcoming puberty set parents up for a streak of quarrels, rudeness and rudeness. But in fact, this is far from always the case, and it is enough to stop being afraid in advance, but simply live every day of your current life with your child.

Instruction

Remember the basic rule of education: he is also a person. He has already come to this world as a person with a certain character and inclinations, and you should not try to sculpt someone out of him. It already exists, and it is in your power only to show it the various possibilities of this world. Influence him, first of all, not with words, but with your example: let him see through you, be kind and generous, why erudition is welcomed in society, etc. Pay attention to yourself first.

Force yourself to accept the inevitability of his maturation. A teenager needs a certain portion of independence, which can no longer be allocated responsibility for doing some business in the house. He needs more - access to the social space. Get ready for the fact that during this period he may seek authority in other places. You have only one way to stay, whom your child respects and wants to be equal to, and this way has already been described above: serve with your own actions.

Trust the child. You know how and when he tells a lie, and be guided only by this knowledge. Do not try to come up with new reasons for suspicion. Delayed? Yes, you were worried, but didn’t this happen to you in your youth? Avoid showing how hurt and bad you are, do not lash out at him with abuse. Any stormy emotions will only lead to the fact that a teenager, whose nervous system at this age is especially sensitively tuned, will begin to defend himself and withdraw into himself. Look for ways to calmly resolve the conflict: share your anxiety with him, but do not dump it, talk about your experiences, but do not crush them.

Believe that he really is already an adult and give him the opportunity to show it. Then he will not have to resort to methods that actually demonstrate the immaturity of a child rather than adulthood. Feeling independent and mature, he will not go smoking just to prove something.

Don't parent a teenager, that's the biggest mistake you can make. Help him to get to know this world, but do not try to train him, to overlay patterns of behavior on him. And do not divide his life into rigid frameworks: without focusing on general statements, concentrate on the individual process of becoming a person in your family.

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Transitional age is the most difficult period in the life of a growing child. It is considered by psychologists as one of the critical stages of the life path, along with the midlife crisis and the retirement period.

Why is there a transition period?

At 10-12 years old, children begin a period of rapid maturation, which lasts up to 15-17 years. The body of a teenager undergoes significant internal and external changes - secondary sexual characteristics appear, the voice changes, facial features become sharper. The body and limbs lengthen, it is during this period that the most rapid growth occurs. Often they themselves do not have time to adapt to their new proportions, so they seem awkward and angular. All these changes occur under the influence of an increased release of hormones, which affects the activity of the endocrine, nervous and autonomic systems of the body. A hormonal surge gives rise to such negative phenomena of adolescence as the appearance of acne, increased oiliness of hair and skin, a sharp weight loss or weight gain, an increase or decrease in pressure. Many parents are waiting for a transitional age with fear - a child can drastically change his behavior, withdraw into himself or become.

Psychology of transitional age

A growing teenager begins to realize that he is no longer a child. He becomes more independent, wants to choose his own interests, clothes and friends, and reacts aggressively to the invasion of personal space. This age is characterized by maximalism - a teenager exaggerates any minor events, is able to become depressed over a trifle, or regard a casual look as having sympathy. A hormonal surge leads to a sharp change in mood and a violent expression of emotions. Therefore, companies walking along the street are often noisy and very cheerful. However, after such fun, a sharp emotional decline can also occur. This same change of mood leads to frequent experiments with appearance. Teenagers are very suggestible. They easily listen to bright slogans and appeals, they believe that they stand out from the crowd when they join any movement. Often this is used by unscrupulous leaders of various organizations.

How to communicate with a teenager

Most parents fear the onset of puberty. However, how this period will pass is entirely up to them. Many parents note that they did not notice how the transition period passed, because they communicated with their children correctly.

First of all, you need to understand that your child is no longer a baby. He has his own opinion and his rights. Avoid going into his room, do not touch his things and phone - the teenager is very jealous of his property. Accept that he may wear too bright. wearing provocative or informal clothes, listening to “terrible” music, and spending more time with friends than with you. So he declares his independence. Instead, befriend your grown-up child. Talk to him as equals, tell stories about your life, ask about his affairs. But it shouldn't feel like an interrogation. By becoming a friend to a teenager, together you can easily “survive” the transitional age.

When children refuse to listen and comply with the requests of their elders, parents experience discomfort. They feel like a tug-of-war competition is heating up. Both the child and the parents with the same purposefulness pull him towards themselves. As a result, each side fails.

Moms and dads are outraged when their offspring show disobedience. But not every time parents realize that disregard for authority is an indispensable condition for the formation of self-confidence in a person from childhood.

In order for the baby to sincerely believe in himself and acquire the qualities of an independent person, he needs to realize the main thing. The leaders he once followed unquestioningly no longer are. And he is somewhat smarter than them.

If he managed to get around mom and dad, who were the most authoritative people for him, he will find the strength to get around anyone! It is such an idiom that is prescribed in the subconscious of children. The little revolutionary who rebelled against the boring family regime is the future leader. He took a good "dose" of confidence in his own competence, and he will never be able to "get off" with it.

Faith in one's own strength is formed in thanks to the skill of making decisions. Children should understand that life is the result of their own choice and the circumstances in which it was made. Choices are empowering, and being able to make them greatly reduces stress levels for kids. It is also more effective than coercion.

Why are teenagers disobedient?

The reason is the parents who can not allocate more time to communicate with the offspring. A chaotic lifestyle leaves no opportunity for mom and dad to pay attention to the child, to discuss with him. Adults need him to obey this second, as they are too busy solving their own problems.

Children don't always change very quickly. Sometimes disobedience is a temporary reaction to a change in the current situation. It could be a move, a change of school, an older divorce, or puberty. We need to give the kids time to recover.

How to survive the transitional age of a child without stress?

For parents, this period is a difficult stage. They mistakenly believe that their role as the main protector has been radically changed, and they will not be able to fulfill their main purpose. And then moms and dads begin to feel like unwanted characters in the lives of children.

Adults note that they are less and less allowed to make important decisions regarding the child. And in their minds, this turns into a real tragedy. Parents miss the point: the offspring still needs them, but at such a period they should step back and organize personal space for him so that he has the opportunity to grow up as a mentally balanced, complete and holistic person.

Sources:

• Teenagers - how to behave as parents
• Naughty child: fight or cooperate
• Parenting: Let Teenagers Choose Themselves!

I think a lot of people's ears are already hurting from talking about adolescence. From these stories it is clear that this period of time is perceived differently by the parents of teenagers, but they all have terrible experiences.

If you understand this issue, it becomes clear that there is nothing terrible in this. After all, we all also lived through this time and remained alive and healthy.

The teenage period is passing, has passed or will pass for all children at the age of 15 or 16 years. Of course, there are ways to deal with this: communication and substitution. Let's consider them in detail.

The number one cure for a teenager's explosive temper

Communication is the best way to reduce the risk of suffering from a teenager's explosive nature. Dear parents, even if you have a lot of things to do, you must still find time to talk with your child, take an interest in his affairs at school, with friends. Chat with him about and without reason. If you do not pay enough attention to the child in terms of communication, then he may fall into a bad company where they will communicate with him. And there he will be given attention in any case. But this should not be allowed in any way, it will ruin the life of both the child and you.

Alternative method

A way to find alternatives or replacements for what you don't like. It is best to explain with an example: your child has begun to get carried away listening to music with profanity or something like that. You naturally don't like it. You will want to stop your child from doing this as soon as possible. All right, but you can't just ban it. This action will ruin the relationship between the child and you. To avoid this, you just need to persistently offer the child a replacement: let him listen to alternative rock, dance music and something else instead of his “paranormal” music. In general, replace bad habits with good ones, something bad with something good.

The most important thing is a personal example

We all know that the personal example of parents has a huge influence on the mind of a teenager. So, if the father does not smoke, then the child is more likely not to start smoking. If the child repeatedly sees that you drink alcohol, then he will want to do it too. Don't drink at all if you don't want to ruin your child's life. An alternative method can also be used here: instead of alcoholic drinks, offer the child juice. You should also explain to your child that alcohol is harmful and tasteless, while juice is healthy and sweet.

No TV box!

If you watch TV, then you are an unhappy person, because you are wasting precious time on nonsense, instead of taking your child to the theater, to the circus, to the park, or to do something useful. Think about the benefits of TV. Now think about what will be the benefit of your child knowing English.

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Adolescence brings many problems not only to a child whose body undergoes serious changes, but also to his parents. Often there are quarrels, scandals, mutual misunderstanding. How can parents safely survive this difficult adolescence of a son or daughter?

Instruction

A teenager tries to escape from the care of his father and mother, rejects their instructions, requests, often behaves defiantly rudely. You can understand the dissatisfaction of the parents. They gave their child so much time, energy, warmth, took care of him, raised him, and he suddenly became so rude, disobedient and ungrateful. But the father and mother should show understanding and wisdom, because the teenager is not to blame that a real hormonal “storm” is happening in his body now. It is precisely because the teenage endocrine system has started working in an accelerated mode, starting to produce a large amount of hormones, that the child's behavior changes so dramatically.

Parents should remember that they, too, were once teenagers, causing their own fathers and mothers a lot of trouble, grief, and worries. It is pointless to complain about what is arranged by nature itself. You just need to be patient and wait. When the restructuring of the body is completed, their son or daughter will behave much more sensibly and calmly.

When communicating, you should, if possible, avoid an orderly, categorical tone. You should also not demand from him a constant report: where he was, with whom he met, what he did. A teenager with a probability of 99% will accept this with hostility. Of course, it should be controlled so that the teenager does not get involved with bad company, for example. But we must try to do it unobtrusively. After all, young people and girls of this age simply cannot stand excessive guardianship.

If a teenager is very complex because of his face or being overweight, or because he (as it seems to him) is lonely, no one needs him, no one understands him, parents should not dismiss his problems. And even more so, you can’t make fun of: they say, what nonsense, you are going crazy from idleness, we would have your worries. You should gently and delicately convince him that everything can be corrected, that any problem can be solved if desired. The main thing is for a teenager to be sure that his parents love him, are always ready to listen and help.

Of course, you can’t indulge a teenager in everything and meekly endure his antics if they already cross all boundaries. If necessary, you need to strictly talk to him and even punish him. But even in this case, one should not overly infringe on the pride of a teenager, which is already very vulnerable. For example, you should not force him to ask for forgiveness or swear that he will not behave like that again.

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Adolescence is a difficult period not only for the child, but for the whole family. Constant quarrels, misunderstandings and problems between all family members at this time become difficult to bear, are resolved for a long time and hard.

During the transition period, a teenager becomes vulnerable, susceptible, his opinion runs counter to parental beliefs. If a compromise is not found in time, a teenager gets into bad company, acquires bad habits, and sometimes thinks about suicide. Most suicides happen during adolescence, when the child is just beginning to realize his destiny, to build relationships with peers. A teenager is prone to apathy, often not wanting to accept himself for who he is.

Parents in such a period should be especially attentive to the child, talk heart to heart with him more often and build trusting relationships, because at such a “tender age” a teenager is in dire need of understanding and a sensitive attitude towards himself.

The conflict of "fathers and children" is a classic, time-honored conflict that, it would seem, cannot be resolved. However, if you look into the essence of the problem, you can see there the main negative human trait - unwillingness to listen and understand. If every family tried to hear and not be heard, then the problem would not take on such a global scale.

The ability to listen is a very valuable skill in itself, and if he also works in relation to his child, then we can assume that the worst thing in adolescence is over. Many parents blame their children for smoking, coming home late, doing poorly at school, but do not understand that it is not the child who should be blamed here. Rebuking instead of guiding is a strategy that has yet to lead any parent to parenting success. After all, it's good to remember yourself at that age before throwing accusations. The child himself will want to come home early if he knows that he will not be condemned there.

Transitional age is a creative test for parents, as well as a test of social, spiritual, and communicative strength. You should seriously prepare for this exam in order to be admitted to the trust and receive a credit in the form of gratitude.

Tip 8: How to understand that a child is going through a difficult period of teenage love?

Falling in love is a normal part of growing up in a teenager, but often he is alone with this feeling, completely withdrawing into himself. How to recognize a child's first love?

Firstly, the child becomes distracted, inattentive and forgetful, thinks about something of his own for a long time, hiding in an empty room, sometimes forgetting even to turn on the light when evening comes, and sits there in the dark. It happens that he suddenly has an increased appetite, and sometimes, on the contrary, he eats practically nothing for several days. And sitting at the table, without any emotion, he looks at the ceiling, or simply drives a spoon over a plate.

Another sign of teenage love is lightning-fast mood swings. Either he (or she) is ready to fly up to heaven, and then, falling on the sinful earth with all his might, they feel like utter nonentities and experience the deepest depression.

A very important signal for loved ones is excessive attention to their appearance and appearance. The child spins for hours at the mirror, meticulously peering into his face, details of clothing and figures. He thinks over a new image to the smallest detail, sometimes changing beyond recognition.

During the period of falling in love, the feelings of a teenager are exacerbated to the limit. He becomes easily vulnerable and sensitive. Sometimes it seems to him that he can move mountains, and at such moments he takes off with his soul to heaven. A teenager is completely detached from reality, then he has a desire to perform some unthinkable feats, otherwise he suddenly becomes selfish and closed to the limit, declaring that he does not care about others and the whole world.

Be that as it may, the first love causes a whole hurricane of emotions. It happens that these relationships and feelings are so serious that they develop into marriage.

Tip 9: How to help your teen get through the tough time of growing up

The process of growing up a teenager is called a transitional age, it is a natural time period in the formation of the personality of each person. It remains only to wait it out with the least losses.

A teenager is what you do with him... And the behavior during adolescence, when a child becomes simply unbearable, harmful and uncontrollable, is provoked by us, dphjckst. It's time to figure out what mom and dad are doing wrong, and then you won't have to drink Corvalol after parental meetings and tear your hair on your head.

So, you have been raising your baby for a long time. At first, this little lump snuggled up to you every minute. At the time, he needed it. Physically and energetically. Dad and mom are heroes, main defenders, entertainers, buyers, substitutes for everything and everyone.

New heroes began to appear in the older group of the kindergarten: Mitya's father - he is a motorcyclist, Spider-Man - he is cool, Ivan Petrovich - he is my coach. You have already gradually become heroes one-tenth less. Did not notice? OK.

Moving on, elementary school. Now the main ones are the teacher, friend Seryozhka, friend Masha! Mom and dad do not know how to pass the level in Minecraft and how the kitten laughs on the phone. Mom and dad only want good grades and strictly control it. But laughing together was no longer so important. Not so quivering are hugs. And not so often you want this, as in three years. You parents are only half heroes.

Photo by GettyImages

And then comes the 5-6th grade, 10-11 years old. The child begins to understand that the world is huge and unknown. There is only one hero "half": mom or dad. This is fine. The world is not enough for two. And the invisible umbilical cord that binds you and the baby is getting longer and more transparent. There is a desire to show or hide your world: scream about yourself or withdraw.

But you, dear parents, are not yet ready for this. It is they who grow slowly for you, but for themselves they grow quickly. And then comes the nasty, nasty and military puberty.

Nikitka began to snarl, I can't force him to do anything.

Yesterday Sasha disrupted the lesson!

Sonechka was such a nice child, now she argues to the point of hoarseness.

I can’t drive to swim and brush my teeth, just with a fight!

Danil told me that he hates me, it's a nightmare!

And now let's take a look at why this happens and why a teenager is a reflection of our actions.

If the child did not have the so-called difficult, adolescence period, then you have correctly formed a relationship with him.

First: the child does not rebel, he asks you to refuse sanctions

Imagine your Masha, Dasha, Arishka or Yegorka is a new huge republic. In the head - the government, young, inexperienced, but terrible smart. And this republic is part of your country. Yes, yes, you are a hypothetical PAPAMAMALANDIA. Anything before that doesn't count. You yourself raised the republic and gave it rights and laws. The laws are general. You still think that a child has no rights, but only responsibilities. The child has already given himself rights. And there's nothing to be done. You defended him, you said out loud: “Yes, the teacher has no right to say that, who invented it to mock children like that, the child is a person!” We do not discuss now what is right and what is not. Rights received. On one's own. Because it is important for a child of 12-15 years old.

And what is happening in this new republic in a huge country? The Republic is trying to live. As he knows how, as he was taught before, and he does something contrary, in a different way, he comes up with new laws and shouts about rights. What do the celestials (i.e. parents) do? They have lived their lives, they know a lot, they are always right.

• Everything has been built in a big country, and you are still building.
• In a big country there is a law, and you are breaking it.
• In a large country, everyone has calmed down: no need to get enough sleep at night and tear all your strength to draw wall newspapers for school, no need to compete, as in elementary school.

Photo by GettyImages

And then there's the riot! And the main ones impose harsh sanctions: the republic is still small, but it has so much to develop, it does not have time, it will not succeed, it must be fenced off, taken away, banned. We have all learned history. What will happen next? Revolution.

How to(should): accept the new government with its great potential. I'll tell you a secret: most adults are no smarter than teenagers, because the accumulated internal barriers often prevent them from living on their own. And these gestalts are automatically transferred to children. Yes, we are limited, deal with it. Experience is not always a guarantee of wisdom. Your own republic has chamomile fields of opportunity! There is not yet this “I know how this will end!”, There is “I wonder how this can end?”, And there are always millions of options.

I want to clarify that we are not talking about potentially dangerous things in the life of a teenager (we strictly and immediately limit this). Let the realization come that the five-year-old kissing you every minute is no more. And if not, you need to change yourself, not the child! It's not us who have changed. It is he who has changed. It is difficult for him, he does not understand, sometimes it hurts him. And, no matter how he shouts and quarrels with you, do not impose sanctions, expand his republic within yourself.

Second: if a teenager freaks out, conflicts with you ... it means that he lacks your love!

Most parents believe that it is important for a child to be understood. The teenager shouts: “Yes, you don’t need to understand me, love me the way I am, I don’t understand myself either.”

The roles have already changed, but you did not notice.

• Now he communicates with you like an adult. And let the father scream in his hearts that something has grown, but the brains do not. Everything has grown. Little is left of the child.
• Rethink your roles in the family. If something could be allowed with a ten-year-old, now it’s impossible! Do you remember how six years ago you squatted down to talk to your crying daughter? Now you should do the same, only communicate in the role of "adult - adult".
• When a child freaks out, he tries to shout: “I have changed, love me in a new way!” It means that

The child is not listening. What to do?

Each parent, from time to time, is faced with the disobedience of the child.
But not everyone knows what to do when a child does not want to obey, despite any persuasion and punishment.

In order to understand what to do when a child does not obey, you need to find out the reasons why children do not obey, and understand: how to help them?

Reasons for child disobedience

1. The age at which the child is in crisis- this is the period when a child moves from one stage of his development to another stage, acquiring new skills, abilities and abilities.

To explain the reason for the disobedience of children during these periods, a phrase from the film “Prisoner of the Caucasus” comes to mind: “I have a desire to buy a house, but I have no opportunity. I have the opportunity to buy a goat, but I have no desire.”
This is the period children go through. In crises, their desires do not always coincide with their capabilities, and vice versa, which causes irritation, protest, disobedience, dissatisfaction, both with themselves and others, and many other factors. And at this moment they need your support.

There are several such periods:

Crisis of one year. He wants to walk, but with difficulty, he wants to eat, but he can’t, he wants to run, so far only falling. At the same time, he demands your help and immediately rejects it.

Crisis of three years. If earlier there was a concept: “We”, now it is changing to: “I”, but so far “I” is not very successful, hence the screams, irritation, rejection, and, most importantly, stubborn insistence on one's own.

The crisis of a schoolchild or a crisis of seven years is a period when a child enters adulthood, experiencing new conditions and rules of life.

Adolescence crisis. This includes the crisis of 11-13 years and 16-17 years. It is also the becoming of a child who wants to be an adult even more, but at the same time does not quite understand: what is it?
That is, while adulthood, this is doing what I want, and the words responsibility and consequences have not yet matured, hence the complexity of this age.

During these periods, it is necessary to support your children, be patient with them and, on the contrary, try to enter into their situation. And from this point of view, help him understand what is good and what is bad. In some cases, show wisdom.

The main thing is to understand that when a person is in a stressful situation for himself, this unbalances him, and now keep in mind that this is a process that does not depend on them and, moreover, a completely unstable psyche, whatever the age. Hence the conclusion: even more love, care and understanding, and try to solve everything through the main methods of influencing the child

2. Too many requirements. Such an approach of parents to children, as a rule, causes additional stress in children, fear, and can lead to despair. The child often begins to lie, keep silent.

And here - the fault of the parents is exceptional.
One day, my mother wrote to us: “My daughter is 16 years old, she doesn’t communicate with me at all, she lies to me all the time and doesn’t tell me. I can't find a common language with her, I don't know what to do. I'm desperate".

When we began to understand the situation, it turned out that when the daughter was at preschool and school age, her mother was too demanding of her. “When my daughter was in school, I enrolled her in many clubs. I demanded the perfect study from her. If, while checking the notebook, I saw blots, I tore the notebook and made her rewrite it all over again.

The girl, under the onslaught of her mother, as she grew up, only dreamed of becoming an adult and independent, and now that she felt this, nothing would stop her.

It's like tying one end of a rubber band to something and then start walking while holding the other end. And then, when it is stretched to the limit, let go, hoping that it does not bounce back.

The question arises: what to do in such a situation? Start first by exploring your child's personality, what it is, and not what you wanted to see. And try to make sure that she, by virtue of her so far only far-fetched adulthood, does not harm herself.
This also needs to be done carefully. And in such a situation, you need the help of a specialist who, having understood the situation, will tell you what to do and how to behave.

Of course, everything is not always so critical, and not everyone brings this situation to the adulthood of children, so those parents who are still raising their children, use prohibitions only on necessary things: those that threaten the health and life of your child. But, again, using explanations and other methods of influencing children.

3. Sudden severity. If you basically look at your children's disobedience through your fingers and often do not control their behavior, and then abruptly decide to play a strict parent, then this behavior of yours will cause a protest from the child. And don't expect obedience from him. If you manage to put pressure on the child, and he will obey, then most likely this is due to the suppression of his personality, which is bad for him.

4. It is possible, it is impossible. If you forbid something, then you cannot forbid it according to your mood. It is necessary that the prohibition always act on the basis of something and according to a certain rule.

We eat sweets only on holidays ...
We go to the cinema only when good behavior, grades, everything is removed and other things.

If you set any prohibitions, then your good mood should not affect the change of any rules.

5. No personal example. In the article “Methods of Education and Influence on Children”, we wrote that in order for a child to accept and understand what you require of him, a personal example is needed.

If you are lying and the child knows about it, then no matter how you explain to him that it is not good to lie, he will lie, and so on in everything.

6. Different requirements. If the child is more intelligent, then you will bring up a hypocrite who will behave differently with everyone, while he himself will be confused: who he really is.
This situation is perhaps one of the worst that parents and other family members can create for a child.

7. Disrespect for the child. In such cases, children protest against self-abusive behavior on the part of their parents, who constantly belittle their dignity and make them feel worthless and weak.

Parents use phrases such as “You will understand when you grow up”, “Who are you?”, “You are not mature enough yet”, “Eggs do not teach chicken” and others.

This is a sure way to make yourself treated with the same disdain and disrespect. And, if children behave this way, then do not be surprised. Here, there can be only one way out - learn to respect your child and show by your own example that respect is the key to proper family relations.

8. Quarrels and conflicts in the family. In families where there is tension between spouses, children often fall into two camps: those who become too obedient and calm, and those who become more aggressive, rebellious and stubborn.

This is due to the fact that some children are afraid that it was their bad behavior that caused conflicts between their parents and they are trying to reconcile them, while other children want to draw attention to themselves so that they are distracted and understand what the child is going through.

This is exacerbated by the fact that the parents themselves in conflicting relationships become obsessed with themselves and any unnecessary movement of the child infuriates them and causes irritation.
It is worth thinking about this and understanding: is the child really guilty in this situation or is it worth thinking about him in the first place?

The situation is complicated by the fact that it is difficult to get out of the state in which the parents are. Probably, you need the help of a specialist who can tell you how to behave with a child, how to talk to him and what to do so that your family is harmonious and you can always resolve conflict situations.

What to do with those who cannot be forced, punished and unrealistically overstubborn? How and with what it is possible to influence an almost adult son or daughter in high school - says Ksenia Buksha.

There is such a wonderful person in St. Petersburg - Natasha Romanova. Her children are already adults, and she herself, a philologist and neurophysiologist, works with teenagers - she leads the “Natasha Romanova School of Literacy”, where, according to her own, personally developed and scientifically based system, she teaches high school students error-free writing without applying rules. He teaches not like at school, but effectively, quickly, cheerfully and for a long time. So, Natasha Romanova speaks very harshly about those parents who call their teenagers “children”. They are no longer children. But, on the other hand, after all, they are not adults yet. How can they be influenced?

1. Force and forbid

In fact, we still have this tool. Only you will not have to use it voluntarily, which means that the price can be spoiled for life relationships. Therefore, we use it only when there is a complete disaster. Drugs, anorexia, talk of suicide, banditry, involvement in a sect - grab and pull from the edge. We are adults and we can still do anything with a teenager, even send him to a school at the monastery, like one of my acquaintances is a drug addict daughter. She sat there for six years and left at twenty, when all her friends and girlfriends had already died. I don’t want to judge or praise that dad, or evaluate it in any way, and I certainly don’t want anyone to follow his example - I’m just trying to show the scale of the problems in which, in principle, it makes sense to act in this way. But smaller accidents like “dropped out of school”, “has sex before marriage” - are we ready to pay for this with a relationship with a child? “Laying around with the phone all day long” - and for this? More likely no than yes, but what if he's seriously depressed? Before wielding an iron fist, we must also understand where we are going to drag something.

2. Draw up a contract

In a written form. And hang it on the wall. For a parent, the contract is wonderful because it can make living together with an expansive (from the word expansion) young creature tolerable. Parents and children have rights and obligations. The parent has the right to sit on a clean toilet in the morning. The child has the right not to answer SMS, but he is obliged to answer calls. Or vice versa. Any thing thrown outside the room goes to the trash can. For dirty traces on the ceiling - independent whitewashing thereof. Anything, most importantly, items that are realistic for our family and their joint discussion. Most teenagers already know how to more or less control impulses, which means they will follow these points. The good thing about the agreement is that when sanctions come, it makes no sense to blame a bad parent: everything is honest, candy wrappers and skins from the bathroom must be removed without a sound, and my room can rot for at least eternity. It is important that the contract is not an attempt to get the desired “course of his life” from the teenager, the contract is not a motivator. This is just a means to clearly separate the boundaries. Therefore, it should not include items like “computer time, which is no more than two hours a day” and other things that the parent does not personally relate to in any way. A treaty is a division of rights and duties, territory and resources.

3. Hand over independence

Like Yeltsin to the union republics: "as much as they can swallow." We tell him good night, and he turns on the light, ii... You wake her up in the morning, you wake her up for school, and sheaaa... That's it, the parent is tired! A teenager must understand that if he really feels strong enough to fight with a parent, then he is strong enough to finally win at least something. We raise our paws up: we were defeated. We can't put you to bed if you haven't gone to bed yourself, and we can't make you put on a hat if you don't think it's cold. And you can already pull a “decent gymnasium” only by yourself, and if you don’t pull it, then you will have to leave it. The upside is that we can think long and hard before letting go, and we can take back the rights if we see that things are heading towards some kind of complete collapse. I thought you could do it, but you went to bed at six in the morning all week and did not study at all - which means that I will have to put you to bed and wake you up for some more months. But we are not disappointed, but are constantly testing reality - maybe it’s already ready? Overslept on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday she got herself together on time - yeah! It turns out such scales: here while we are stronger, and here it is already, and here again we are still.

4. Discuss plans

From the age of 15-16, it is necessary to let the older teenager understand what level of support awaits him after 18 and where we will begin to insure his risks. This should be very clear: for example, "we will always pour you a bowl of soup and you can live with us, nothing more, but you can count on it." Or “you are responsible for your studies yourself, we will not excuse you from the army if you do not enter.” Or “you don’t have to worry about anything until the sixth year.” Or “we will get rid of the army, but we will force you to go to work and contribute to the family budget.” These are completely different programs of action for our baby. Man must somehow plan his future! And then you live on everything ready, like, but some kind of fuzziness, uncertainty: am I already an adult or someone else? And when I become an adult, then what? And when? And if I don't, who's to blame? If you clearly discuss all these things together, talk about specific plans for the future and ways to achieve them, a direct close motivation can be born. Only plans, of course, should be drawn up together. We do not “let the teenager know that after 18 he is swept out of our living space” and we do not try to “give him a good education.” Only together. Games to test? Pathologist? Or yet-no one-but-I-love-you-mommy? Thanks me too. Highly.

5. Turn off

Well, this is all pathos and general words, but what to do every day? Here the young lady does not want to go to the store instead of the mother, whose younger baby is sick. What to do? For every day, our main tool is to turn off. There are such heaters: they heat the air to a specified temperature - once, they turn off, they stand like goodies and cool down. A parent of a teenager should also be able to do this. Don't know what to do? The child broke all the rules, violently resists, does not want anything or really wants the wrong thing, our strength is not enough to convince him? Let's ask ourselves if someone will die, God forbid, if we turn off right now. If the question is not fatal at the moment, feel free to switch to the “off” mode. This means that we continue to be present, but we cease to conflict. We drink tea peacefully in the kitchen. We only do what we want to do. If our child is really difficult and problematic, this is a good prevention of codependency. The main difficulty is to turn off all general and pathos thoughts like “what will grow out of it”. Now we are not interested in this, but to live quietly for an hour.

And one more thing: it is more useful for a teenager to see not a strict parent, but a person who knows that he is right, but refuses to fight. Which, as it were, silently says: "your move", "you yourself know what to do." And, importantly, it lets you do the wrong thing. My daughter didn’t go to the store that day, she didn’t feel very good about it, and next time, she might not even have to ask.

By turning off, we give ourselves a rest and let life work for us, instead of our educational squeals.

6. Turn on

Well, if we know how to turn off, then we also need to turn on correctly. Many of us know how to be sincerely interested in any interlocutor - well, such a secular skill. What's worse than a grown child? Every day, at every meeting with a teenager, we set ourselves up for friendly chatter, which includes our independent remarks, and listening to the interlocutor, and feedback. We choose a topic that is interesting to the interlocutor (not about school). We turn on, smile, nod, listen, mentally horrified, but we do not evaluate and do not bug. Such a conversation is always effective, even at the time of conflict! Relations almost immediately move to a different qualitative level, and many topics can be forgotten forever - they will be pre-empted and prevented at a distant approach. And then some with teenagers will not exchange five words a day, and even those “put down the phone, go learn your lessons”; What instruments of influence can we talk about in such conditions?

7. Surprise

By adolescence, our sons and daughters, as a rule, have known us for a long time (if we are not talking about recently taken adoptive ones). The objects "mother" and "father" are studied, their reactions are habitual and predictable. For example, “my ancestor doesn’t scold for grades, but if I scout srach in the car, he will have a brain all the way.” Well, let's surprise. Monday: Well done! If it wasn't for you, I'd be crazy about cleanliness!" - and let's go easy. Tuesday: Without a word, we hand over a rag and a garbage bag. Wednesday: "Oh no, I can't with such a dirty one, you're taking the subway, we'll meet at the house." Come up with four more different reactions before Sunday. The essence is not important, the range is important. An affectionate joke, biting irony, inspired rut, absurd absurdity, sometimes sarcasm, and sometimes a little tenderness, like with a baby. A teenager is, after all, a kind of baby-adult, a newborn full-fledged member of society. He is born into adulthood and in this capacity deserves (occasionally and in moderation) restrained uti-puss - only carefully. To surprise again and again, to be a different person, and not just a “parent” function, to show how interesting it is to really communicate, look for ways, approaches to each other, to be alive. Maybe there won’t be fewer stubs in the car, but is it really about them? But all the participants in the conversation will develop this one, like his, - oh, yes! - emotional intellect. Which can be considered, if there is, then this is already half the happiness.

Children grow up, and one day there comes a moment ... when they grow up - they can't grow up forever? They are having a difficult adolescence. But we do not grow, and nothing changes in relation to our child. That is, we understand, of course, theoretically, that he has become a teenager, that he is growing up, but we perceive the manifestations of adolescence as a deterioration in behavior child terribly out of touch with life.

Parents begin to sound the alarm - the child does not obey. In principle, this is an eternal misfortune, almost from the very birth of an unfortunate child: "a child at 2 / 3 / 4 / ... / 11 / 12 years old does not obey." About what, in general, we have already talked about. And how do you like this request: “a child of 16 years old does not obey”? One would like to ask: what kind of child is he to you at 16 (!) years old?! Wake up!

What happens to a child in adolescence

Well, yes, hormonal changes and all that. You've read this a hundred times already. To understand in what psychophysical state a teenager is, it is enough for a mother to remember her pregnancy. It seems to me that the analogy is appropriate - similar processes take place in the body: hormonal fluctuations and explosions and, as a result, mental instability and some dullness. But this is all trite, and I want to talk about more important things.

And more importantly, what goes on in a teenager's mind- just this is the very transformation from a caterpillar into a butterfly from a child into an adult. This process is mysterious and starts by itself - it's just that the time has come, and it is very important that it goes right, otherwise ... it will remain a chrysalis or a freak - a butterfly without wings, or it will get stuck in the process of transformation for life and will be an eternal teenage rebel ... Scared? I'm afraid myself!

In fact, adolescence is very similar to the first transitional age - 2-4 years, when the child for the first time realizes himself as a separate person with his own will, and not part of his parents. So it is here - he begins to feel like an almost adult person, and not a child. This is a new and very important feeling for him, he feels that it is correct, but at the same time he is not yet used to the new state and does not know how to be in it at all - and therefore he is terribly unsure of himself.

It is this uncertainty that manifests itself in the painful sensitivity of the adolescent, especially when it seems to him that he is being treated like a child, not noticing his new condition. Yes, it sometimes looks inadequate, but if you understand what is happening to him, it is completely logical. This is a normal, healthy transformation process. Who said that the crisis should pass imperceptibly and painlessly?

The teenager begins to argue with his parents, to rebel against everything. Why? Because he needs to prove to himself and to everyone, and especially to his parents, that he is no longer a child, that he is a Person who has his own opinion and his own will.

Note: The intensity of a teenager's rebellion is directly proportional to the pressure that the parents exerted, and continue to exert. This is true for kids 2-4 years old.

For a teenager, the symbol of childhood from which he grew up is control and. And accordingly, rebellion against this is a symbol of adulthood. Funny? And he is not at all funny - for him it is serious. Our task is to help him understand that adulthood is not at all about that. But in order to do so, rebellion must be overcome. How? It's very simple - if you don't press and don't impose anything, then there will be nothing to rebel against.

By the way, complete calm and complaisance in adolescence is no reason to rejoice and think that everything is fine. Rather, on the contrary, it means that a child with a quiet or weak character (well, not everyone is born Hercules of the spirit) is crushed by his parents so much that the process of transformation does not even start for him. And he runs the risk of remaining a caterpillar child - for life. Look around for examples - there are many.

Our teenager also begins to try adult "fun" - cigarettes, alcohol, obscenities and ... what else was forbidden or unavailable to him? He is already walking alone, he already has his own company ... Do not keep track. Don't stop. He will circle your finger in no time, because he knows you so well - much better than you do him, and the so-called created all the prerequisites ...

A reason to sound the alarm if you suspect something like that? No, not a reason. So far, these are not "vicious inclinations", but simply an innocent knowledge of the world. The kid learns the world, dragging everything into his mouth and playing with his mother's pots and knives. And a teenager enters the big world, and begins to learn it from all sides in the same way - to learn what he did not know before. Only now it’s more difficult with him than with a baby ...

Yes, company. The age from 11 to 17 is the only period in life when the company is the main priority, communication is mainly with peers. If you look from the outside, the content of this communication is rather mediocre - they do not discuss the meaning of life or the choice of a profession, and in general, they suffer from some kind of nonsense ... Our teenagers mostly discuss, for example.

However, in fact, against the background of this "nonsense" they solve important tasks - they learn to interact, master skills that they will not get anywhere else - and defend their position, and fight back, and organize, and be a member of the team, and respond to deception and manipulation, and to manipulate themselves - not by parents, but by equal and independent peers. Everyone learns - both good and bad (from our point of view), but they really need this life experience. Nothing without him.

It’s not even worth talking about what is meaningless in adolescence. He has such an event here - a whole transformation, which will determine his whole life, and even hormones in his head ... - what kind of study? Not to mention the fact that the rebellion against the school and the role of an exemplary student imposed there is also included in the program of the transformation holiday. Teachers know that 7th-8th grade is a failing age. Wait, by the senior classes everything will be fine.

Are you already shocked? What to do with this adolescence, if it is not right ?! After all, everything is going downhill, the child is completely out of hand, and they also write here that this is all normal! Calm down first. Nothing is lost - on the contrary, everything is just beginning!

Hint joke: Son, do you smoke? Here I am at your age ... But by the way, smoke, smoke ...

What should parents do with a teenager

So, the child, then, is all right. Not in order, as usual, with us. And we, with our panic and wrong attitude, can seriously harm his order. This is the initial data. What should we do? How to help, and not prevent the child from going through this difficult adolescence?

Adolescence is the last time when something else depends on us in the life of our child. Next, he will have own life, and our "education" will no longer play any corrective role!

So, we begin to rotate the creaky gears of our thoughts and habits. We need to change! To change our attitude towards the child and the relationship with him is no longer a child. Yes, you can’t keep up with these children - everything changes all the time for them .., and at this time it will change very quickly. But we are smart, experienced, adults, right? What do we want - for him to be a good boy today or to come out into life as a truly adult person?

In fact, the easiest way to remember yourself as a teenager is to remember what we would like from our parents and give it to our teenager. But this is practically unrealistic. It's amazing how forgetful people are! And if he remembers, then using it with your child is like in general? He's my child! Okay, let's think.

What exactly is the problem? A teenager is in the period of transition from childhood to adulthood, that is, he becomes an independent person. During this period, while he has not yet proved to himself and others that he is an adult, he perceives any hint that he is still a child (dependent, not independent, stupid) painfully.

So, in order to calm him down, you need give him the desired feeling of adulthood- first of all, show the underlined respect for his freedom, elections, the right to make decisions. And so that all this is not a game - in fact, give him this right. On the other hand, our task is not just to neutralize the rebellion, but to give him a ticket to adulthood, right? So, we need to somehow convey that adulthood is not a rebellion, but a responsibility.

The main thing is not to lose contact with the child

This same teenager will listen - but only if our relationship is suitable for this. After all, he understands in the depths of his soul that he doesn’t know a lot of things and you could use other people’s experience instead of stuffing cones at every corner ... But in order for him to trust us, even if we used to, we must now become his friend, not a parent , should calm his rebelliousness. And for this, first - internally release the child.

Therefore, if we still had some kind of habit of controlling, crushing, ordering, forbidding and allowing something with our “power” (it would be better if this habit did not exist, of course) - we forgot it once and for all. Gone are those days! Now we can only be friends. We make an effort on ourselves and imagine that this is not ours. child- and our good friend. And we can only advise him like a friend- not from a high, not intrusive, but on an equal footing and with respect. Moreover, this friend will not seek to communicate with us - and this is also his right. Care and guardianship will also have to be abandoned ... A difficult exercise, yes.

Teaching teenagers to trust

Of course, it was necessary to trust the child before - I talked about this a lot in the article. But now you have to trust differently, in an adult way, and the risks are different. Trust that he will understand and be able to make the right decision. Yes, not the fact that tomorrow - maybe in a year, two, ten. But this his life. Make a decision for him we still can't. The only thing left in our power is trust. Our trust does not guarantee his correct choice, but it can help. To help, at least, by the fact that he will not have a reason to persist in some kind of disgrace only out of rebellion against us.

And also because our trust and respect for him is very important. After all, it is we who are a reminder to him of childhood, which means that it is our respect and trust in his rationality that can let him go from childhood. Otherwise, even if he is a president respected by millions of people, if we treat him like a child, he will not become an adult. And he won't become president either, by the way.

By the way, teenagers are mortally offended precisely by the distrust and misunderstanding that they see behind the control, and precisely from their parents. And they feel false ingeniously - they won’t be able to play in any way. Personally, I am very grateful to my father, who at the age of 16 told me: “You are already an adult. I see that you have your own head and you will figure it out yourself, you can handle it. At that moment, I felt like an adult and responsible. And thanks to my father for his trust. Although it was a formality - I have not lived with my parents since the age of 12.

Learning to communicate with a child as with an adult

And if he/she... We explain the consequences, calmly and in an adult way. How else? If you want to be an adult, get a bunch of responsibility. Sometimes parents make a mistake, allowing a child a lot in adolescence (and you can’t forbid it ...), but at the same time they take on the consequences, “insure” him, as it was in childhood. As a result, a teenager develops a distorted view of life, which will not be the best "ticket".

When my friend's daughter began to communicate with the boys, my mother told her the following: Talk to the boys how you want - that's your business. But if you get pregnant, it will also be your business. I will not help with the child - you will spin on your own and earn money too. Hard? Not that word! But it is 100 times more intelligible than prohibitions or reading morality. The girl had to get serious and turn on her head - and not get into anything.

How to negotiate with a teenager

How to negotiate with a teenager if he does not want to do something? Easy peasy! - in an adult way.

Recently, my eldest son (14 years old), with whom I never had any problems at all, began to quarrel at my requests to help with the housework. At first I was confused and began to quarrel in response, trying to apply the leverage that parents always have. You understand - the path is a dead end. And the “family” scandal with the son is generally ridiculous!

When I woke up, I just had a serious talk with him. She indicated that if people live together, they somehow work together and serve their needs. It's reasonable and convenient. The distribution of cases is possible in different ways: in a childish way - what my mother said, in a businesslike way - everyone has their own duties, in an adult way - everyone sees what needs to be done and does it. And gave him a choice. There is no choice to “do nothing”, because then he is not a member of our “we live together”. This does not happen in life - after all, he is not ready to live separately?

He chose duties, discussed their range. In fact, it turned out all the same in the old way - I remind you of the execution, because I run the house. But no more scandals!

I think you understood the basic principles of communication with a teenager. And if you disconnect from your parental worries and fears and try to delve into what is happening, then this is a wonderful sight - the birth of a new person! When the child was born, took the first steps, saw the first butterfly, was smeared with porridge, you admired and rejoiced for him, right? Now he is also born - only already in adulthood, he also takes his first steps - and this is the same joyful and bewitching sight!

Yes, even if a teenager has permanent depression, she always whines and wears black - these are also features of age. This is how he knows himself and the world. It's hard for him. Very hard. And not without your fault, by the way - who “pressed” him before that for 12 years? Try to understand and feel it, and not be horrified or sad, prophesying your teenager a career as a janitor or a prostitute. I wish you to understand and accept your almost adult children - teenagers, and not become difficult parents for them! See you in future articles!

© Nadezhda Dyachenko