Having heard a terrible phrase from a man, let's remain friends, do not rush to get upset and look for flaws in yourself. Try to figure out on your own why the beloved behaved this way, and whether there is a chance of returning him.

In very, very rare cases, the status of "just friends" can be the beginning of a romantic relationship. Such a development of events is possible when he is drawn to you, but he is simply not ready for a sudden romance. This happens when people who just got out of a negative romance are not in the mood to start a new relationship.

What does the phrase "Let's be friends" mean?

In any case, the phrase "Let's remain friends" means that in general you are a good person, but not so interesting as to move further in the same direction with you. Or he seems to love, but wants to keep the relationship at a distance. Mostly they have an ex-girlfriend who left in the past, but he still hopes for a reunion.

The phrase "let's be friends" often needs to be understood as: "You are valuable to me, but only as a backup option."

Therefore, such an offer should be rejected. Never waste your precious time on a person who is trying to put you on the bench.

Why should you answer with a firm "No" to his offer to remain friends?

We women are more mobile, and above all, we value care and personal qualities. At least that's how it should be. But first of all, men need a beautiful picture, and then a rich inner world, status, intelligence, talent and other stray things.

When you hear the insulting phrase “let's be friends” addressed to you, do not try to prove with all your might that you can live up to his ideal. After all, it is not known what image is drawn in the head of a man. This frame just seeks to find a girl without whom life will lose all meaning, and this is a normal phenomenon. Just thank him for being honest and not wasting your time, and you can now move on.

After all, many guys still continue the relationship without trying to transfer the status into just friends, and at this moment they are looking for the best option on the side, then they leave without explanation.

And the worst mistake is that a woman is afraid to be alone and begins to speculate with intimacy, trying to bind her beloved child. But after a certain time, this glue does not help either. So there is a huge number of mothers raising their children without a father.

Why did the man say "let's be friends"?

• It often happens that the desire for freedom overrides the determination to get involved headlong into a love story. If the chosen one offered to wait, do not settle for just friendship, but pretend that you have completely forgotten about his existence.
• You merge with the general gray mass of other female representatives. In this case, the offer to remain friends is based only on a feeling of pity or indecision to end the relationship, which will lead nowhere.
• MCH could suffer from previous failed love ties. As a consequence, negative experiences require a more meaningful approach to the new connection.
• You weren't that good.
• Girls most often overly care about their beloved, completely forgetting about themselves. But love for one's own person implies constant care for one's appearance, and also provokes the desire to be realized in a professional or creative way.
• You probably often roll up scenes of jealousy and simply demonstrate your distrust.

We arouse interest.

He offers you only friendship and this is already a “plus”, because during the time that you have known each other, you managed to interest him as a person. And believe me, that means a lot. You interest him as a person and, accordingly, as a friend. And now let's answer the question of how to achieve a guy if he wants to be only friends? By the way, this can be done very simply. Based on your friendship, try to open yourself to him as best as possible, focusing on all your positive qualities. Feel free to talk about your hobbies, passions, favorite books, movies you watched, and so on. Find as many things in common with this guy as you can. By the way, it’s very nice if you and your new friend find a lot of matching interests and hobbies that you can learn together and share your successes in one area or another. Do not forget to show that you are a very versatile person and it is impossible to get bored with you at all. Know that guys really like just such girls. In a word, having interested him as a friend, do not stop there, but move on, interest the guy already as a girl. He must see in you everything that, in your opinion, can awaken feelings in him. Plus, by becoming good friends with the object of your adoration, you can get direct access to his thoughts and what he thinks about and which girls he likes the most. That's all "cards in hand" for you. Thanks to this, you will be able to adapt to the type of his image of an ideal girl and achieve a special location for yourself. And yet, do not forget that you are friends, which is why he should not know anything about your “capture plan”.

We care.

We all know very well that friendship is the care of friends for each other. That's why do not miss your chance to once again help the guy in his problems (with work, study, housework). This does not cause any particular suspicion, but will certainly raise your status in his eyes. But, of course, do not forget about friendly advice.

We intrigue.

Try to surprise the guy as often as possible. Be an active person, do not be lazy to come up with a variety of plans for the weekend. Be guided by the fact that friends are those people who can see each other at any time and have a great time, and being together, even while in the role of friends, is what you need. Think about your time so that everything you do helps you get closer. By the way, if both of you turned out to be active people who love extreme sports, why don’t you make a mutual parachute jump, because such small details carry special “notes of romance” and bring people together a lot.

We flirt.

What if not female flirting can help achieve male location. Therefore, you should not forget about this little female prank and cunning at all. Just remember that you should not "go too far." You promised to be friends, so no intimate hints should slip through. But once again to remind you that you are a beautiful girl, it is certainly worth it. Do it with your glance, gesture. Who better than you knows the weaknesses that a guy can have and what exactly he cannot resist.

We show.

Do not forget sometimes, if you are sure that it will not hurt, show the guy that he means much more to you than a friend. Praise him, focusing on his positive qualities. Such compliments and attention to oneself are very flattering to men and they begin to appreciate the woman who can openly and from the bottom of her heart tell him that he is the best ...

We check.

Out loud and as if jokingly fantasize about if you were a couple. Look at his reaction, if it is negative, emphasize that it was just a joke, positive - leave the topic open so that you can return to it at any time. Plus, don't stop talking to other guys. Sometimes you can even tell a friend about your flirting. Believe me, every man is an owner in his soul and therefore he wants not only his girlfriend, but also a friend of the opposite sex to pay due attention only to him. In addition, although you are not big, you can still cause a feeling of jealousy on his part. By the way, thanks to this situation, your friend can easily reconsider his attitude towards you and stop wanting to be friends, letting you into his heart as his soul mate.

From friendship to love...

And lastly, if you really want to achieve a guy who sees you as nothing but a friend, agree to this friendship without any thought and cherish it. Do this even if you do not see any chances for your joint bright future. Remember, if he only wants to be friends, and this, in turn, is already the first step to his heart, and he has already included you in his book called “life”. During this time, he will have time to become attached to you, get to know you better and over time, it is not at all excluded that he will even fall in love. Remember that "Moscow was not built right away!" That's why, sometimes an ordinary friendship can be the beginning of something more called "Love"!

Chapter 27

Attention: The "let's be friends" technique often turns out to be a logical continuation of the "increase in personal freedom" technique we discussed in the chapter "Beware the word "freedom" in love relationships." In this variant, partners receive "maximum freedom", up to sexual freedom and the legal opportunity to start new love relationships.

However, if we said above that the introduction of the regime of "personal freedom" most often turns out to be disastrous for relationships, then the method of "parting as friends", although it implies the word "part" option "mentally we will still stay together, and then we will return to each other and create a family, "has even more dangerous consequences: in nine cases out of ten people not only end their love relationship completely, but also turn into outright enemies of each other. Unfortunately, forever...

Now let's take a closer look at this technique.

General description of the situation:

The paradox of love conflicts is that people can experience strong feelings, but at the same time they do not fit into each other's lives so much that sooner or later it becomes clear to them: it's time to leave ...

This situation is so common that the definition is firmly entrenched behind it: "people stop loving relationships, but remain friends." There is a widespread opinion in society that "you need to part ways in time so as not to be offended later on by each other and maintain full mutual respect." It is believed that after uttering the ritual phrase "let's remain friends," former loved ones start a new life with a smile, stop having sex, but continue to communicate, regularly call up and take care of each other touchingly.

However, according to everyday theorists, this is an extreme option. Within the framework of this concept, a much better outcome of the case is the following: after a few months, people come to the understanding that they cannot live without each other and return to the most beloved and dear person on Earth ...

However, my life observations do not confirm the truth of this painted picture. Instantly turn loved ones into just friends-nothing more than a myth, a "fig leaf" covering up the same conflict of unfulfilled love expectations.

Dear readers, do not believe in these naive fairy tales that exist only until they are scorched by the fire of mutual insults or new relationships!

But first things first.

Let's start with the reasons for the emergence of such a situation, when partners are forced to use this dangerous technique of resuscitation of relations. More precisely, the technique of pseudo-resuscitation ...

A dozen reasons why lovers turn into "friends":

1. One of the partners is married or married. The time that these people could afford to spend on friendship "without end result" has come to an end. Someone from the duo needs to decide in life and look for a mate to form their own family. The second partner understands this very well. He (a) does not want to lead a loved one by the nose and decides to quietly step aside ...

2. The lovers have reached the Peak of Relations, but due to their young age, dedication to study, career, business, they do not want to live in a civil marriage or formalize relations in the registry office. If the partners have a certain life experience, they clearly understand that now they are only waiting for a descent down, a cooling of relations, quarrels, a final conversation and parting. They do not want a banal and scandalous end to such a magnificent relationship, and therefore they come to the idea that the thread of love will have to be cut "on the fly." According to them, only this will allow to avoid reassessment of the relationship "backdating", leave at least a small hope for the resumption of a love affair when the situation becomes more favorable for this (or people simply grow up) ...

3. Partners' life circumstances have changed dramatically. Someone needs to move for a long time or permanently to live in another city or country. And there are no conditions for a partner to move and create a family ...

4. Some of the partners' financial situation has deteriorated significantly (unemployment, debts, etc.). The person realized that it was not yet possible to draw out a promising relationship. He (a) decides not to feed his beloved with empty promises and takes full responsibility for breaking the love affair ...

5. One of the partners became seriously and terminally ill or became disabled. He (a) understands that his condition dooms a loved one to a lot of suffering. Preferring to experience his grief alone, wanting to make life easier for his beloved (oh), he (a) artificially pushes him (her) away from himself ...

6. Someone from the couple realized with terrible clarity that his (her) loved one does not fit into his (her) ideas about a brighter future. The increased level of requirements (first of all, material and career ones) turned out to be such that people did not go along the way. But you can’t hide feelings in your pocket ...

7. Young and financially dependent partners are pressured by someone's parents. They have different views on the future of their child. Therefore, very strict conditions are set before the lovers: stop all communication! They either completely capitulate, or simply pretend to accept these conditions. Parting, they hope to wait out the situation and reunite. Unfortunately, not everyone succeeds...

8. People love each other, but they are still very young. They desperately want to try other options for relationships and other partners (including sexual ones). In this case, the "let's remain friends" option allows you to temporarily close contacts, experience new sensations, and only then make a final decision about the fate of these love relationships.

9. The guy goes to the army (or leaves to study in another city). He is not sure that he will love his girlfriend in a few years, he is not sure that she will be able to remain faithful to him, he does not want to “tie the hands” of his beloved and prevent her from finding herself some kind of “more decent option”. The motto of this situation is: "As it will be, so it will be! It will be one by one - it will be good. It will be different, - also, in general, not bad ...".

10. Initially, only sexual relations took place between the partners as part of a joint holiday. As the saying goes, "no one wanted anything from anyone ...". People fell in love with each other not planned, unexpectedly for themselves. The moral prejudices of one of the partners interfere with the creation of a family with a person "with whom you can sleep after two or three days of acquaintance." In order not to become a laughing stock for others, these stormy and passionate relationships should be chopped off in a timely manner ...

11. Vacation time (conference, congress, youth rally, competition, some kind of expedition, etc.) has physically ended. People who managed to fall in love and form a temporary couple are forced to disperse to different parts of our vast Motherland. Apparently forever...

12. In parallel with the relationship with one partner, a new acquaintance occurs and another love relationship is created. With her novelty and sharpness of sexual sensations, she simply "interrupts" the current relationship. Unable to constantly "torn and split in two", a person tries to reduce the intensity of past relationships, begins to "slow them down". This causes irritation of the first partner, offended by the reduction in the amount of time spent together. Small quarrels arise, people feel that "something is wrong." As a result, an overly played partner is either forced to confess the true reason for what is happening, or refers to some fictitious "problems in life." This is where the idea of ​​"staying friends" comes up...

(It happens that "left ties" start both partners at the same time. Alas ...).

These are the most common reasons why a very difficult and painful situation arises: "We part as friends because we love."

Stages and logic of the process of becoming "friends":

When one of the lovers comes to understand the need to leave, he (a), as a rule, begins to prepare the situation in advance. A process begins that can be dubbed "strangling relations." Artificially and quite consciously, the number of calls and text messages to each other is decreasing, meetings are less frequent, passionate confessions and tender words are gradually becoming a thing of the past. Partners become more silent and less likely to have sex.

All this is necessary for the initiator of the breakup in order to reduce the emotional intensity of the relationship, to show the partner that "something broke" and changed in their relationship. The task of this period is to arouse in the partner concern about the situation and self-pity: “They say, I’m not to blame! what happens…”

Since parting on the counter initiative of both partners at once is extremely rare, some cooling of relations is always taken more than seriously by the second partner. The guy or girl tries her best to "spice things up" but runs into a stone wall. After some time, they understand: "Indeed, something is wrong ...".

After that, the first "final conversation" necessarily takes place. Due to the fact that both partners actually love each other, there are usually at least three to five “final conversations”. And then the whole ten. Therefore, the "first final conversation" can be called "staged".

As a rule, the initiator himself is embarrassed to be the first to suggest "parting as friends" and to say all these accompanying sentences out loud. "Getting out", he (a) tries to cunningly bring matters to ensure that these proposals are first heard from the second partner. And he (a) seems to "simply support them with both hands based on the request of a loved one ...".

It is arranged something like this: the initiator of the breakup sadly reports what has changed in his life, invites the partner to enter into his position, discuss the current situation and give him (her) recommendations on the topic "how to live on." During the conversation, the partner is necessarily offered (at first only temporarily!) To stop sexual relations, "so that they are less attracted to each other." An opinion is expressed that it is necessary to be less jealous of each other, since "everyone understands perfectly well what is at stake ...". At the same time, the continuation of meetings and the care of partners for each other are guaranteed.

However, this "easy option" of becoming friends rarely works. At this time, the feelings of the second partner are much stronger. He (she) does not have circumstances complicating the situation, but there is a desire to be close to a loved one even in a difficult period for that (that) period. Initially, he/she wants to continue the relationship "no matter what"!

Paradoxically, this may manifest itself in the fact that, out of love for a loved one, it is the second partner who himself (a) can offer to “pause the relationship”, so that the initiator can settle his everyday problems as quickly as possible. The second partner at this time thinks something like this: “You just need to wait a bit ... And in the meantime I’ll go about my business ... Nothing terrible will happen. We will only miss each other more! After a short interval, everything will fall into place and we will also be happy together , as before… I know that it will be…”

This option is the most optimal for the initiator. In this case, the "substituting" second partner runs the risk of later remaining "extreme (s)".

If a loving person does not fall for these tricks of the initiator of the separation, the situation will continue to cool further. At the same time, the second partner, whose fate can only be sympathized with, still continues to fight for a dying relationship, but only breaks his nails against the icy wall of ever-increasing alienation and the eternal employment of his beloved (oh) ...

If the initiator has strong nerves or a very real life situation begins to "squeeze" him (Let's not think only bad things about the initiators! You yourself can become a victim of life circumstances and find yourself in this role tomorrow!), he (a) can himself (a) decide on the next final conversation in the mode of maximum frankness.

After the decision to "call everything by its proper name," another "final conversation" takes place. He is much more honest than the first. The situation is finally getting clear. The loving partner is frankly shocked. Realizing that it becomes pointless to cheat, the initiator officially voices the proposal to "remain friends" already on his own behalf ...

Successful scenarios for becoming "friends":

Scenario #1: Gap- d additional incentive to create a family.

Struck by the power of love of his partner, the initiator of the separation may be ashamed of his behavior and back down. He (a) will try to pull himself together and continue the relationship in the same format. As a result, existence in the mode of "friends" lasts no more than a week or two. Joint experiences from separation revitalize the relationship, people hastily return to the Peak Relationship and after a short time enter into a successful marriage. The attempt to leave only accelerated, "spurred", additionally stimulated the formation of a family ...

This is the best resuscitation of relationships.

Scenario No. 2. The "pause" is indeed only temporary.

Both partners agree on the need to "remain friends" and develop a joint plan to "drain the relationship." People agree to meet for some more time, call up, worry about each other (“after all, we are not strangers!”), Not to be jealous when they find out that someone has someone, etc.

Such relationships can last for several months or even a year or two. Partners can actually refrain from creating new love relationships and remember each other: call up and sometimes meet. If during this time people solved their life problems (someone graduated from a university, bought an apartment, received a promotion, returned to their hometown, served in the army, divorced a wife or husband, etc.) and could not meet someone who would be better than the previous partner, it is possible to restore the old relationship ... This really happens.

This result also partially justifies the "pause" in the relationship.

Scenario #3: Consent to breakup is false.

The second (loving) partner is very sorry to lose this relationship. Even being offended by the initiator of the breakup for the fact that he (she) is trying to decide for him (her) his (her) own fate, he (a) thinks something like this: “We have given so much time to this relationship! Is it all in vain? Is it possible to do this with someone who loves? What kind of love is this? Uniform disgusting and real betrayal ... No, I don’t believe in it! Everything must be done so that it does not end the way it ends now ... ".

As a result, the more loving partner agrees with the initiator's proposal to "cool the relationship" only in words. But in fact, he (a) begins to make every effort to turn the tide in his favor and revive the partner's fading feelings. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...

Scenario number 4. Victory over the initiator of the separation by the method of "starvation".

A more loving partner flatly refuses the "friendship" offered to him (her). He (a) stubbornly continues to take care of his (her) treacherous (oh) beloved (oh) until he (she) understands that "such a person cannot be found again in a lifetime" and capitulates. Winning by "starvation" smoothly changes the leader in a pair. The one who was just abandoned gradually becomes the owner of this love relationship.

This resuscitation of relations can be conditionally called "inverted". They begin it with the aim of breaking up, but in the end they converge even closer. Moreover, the leading partner may be in the role of a follower ...

These were more or less successful scenarios. Now clearly "failed".

"Failed" scenarios of becoming "friends":

Scenario #5: Stretching out the agony of a relationship.

Unable to withstand the pricks of his own conscience, after some time the initiator went to restore relations. However, if the reasons that caused the cooling of relations remain unresolved, most often this turns into an ordinary prolongation of the agony of relations. After some time, the question of the fate of the relationship is back on the agenda. The "friendship" of parting comes as inevitably as the arrival of winter ...

This resuscitation of relations is only short-lived.

Scenario number 6. Parting with an "iron hand".

An initiator who has completely cooled off towards his partner can simply notify the partner of a change in the nature of the relationship, and then with an "iron fist" put his plan into practice, not paying attention to all the efforts of the person who loves him (her). He (a) rarely picks up the phone, reluctantly answers gentle text messages and refuses meetings, citing constant employment. If the second partner is morally weak, everything ends in a month ...

In this case, love relationships seem to "burn out" from one end.

Scenario number 7. Parting in spite of the change of mind of the initiator.

Realizing the fatality of what is happening, the initiator tries to "play back." However, he (a) comes across a sincere resentment of the one who loved him (her) so much. Even while continuing to love, offended by such an attitude towards himself, the second partner, in spite of the initiator, is guided by the principle: "No! She died like that! I decided (a) to leave, so we will leave! Like this!".

Often the second partner simply wants to "teach" the initiator. However, if he (a) does not stop in time, the initiator may come to the conclusion that he (a) did everything right and managed to forestall events in time.

In the end, the relationship still dies ...

Scenario number 8. Parting because of the pride of the second partner.

If the second partner has a developed sense of self-esteem, he experiences increased attention from representatives of the opposite sex - such a person can simply "go crazy", immediately agree to any proposed conditions and leave, slamming the door ... In this case, self-esteem turns out to be stronger than mind and love combined.

To return the departed, the initiator will have to kneel ...

This scenario is very common.

Now the main thing. Despite the fact that all these scenarios are quite real, life practice shows that after some time they all "merge" into three main scenarios, which can be defined as "final".

Final scenarios for becoming "friends":

Final scenario No. 1. "Friendship"-It's still the agony of a relationship...

After the translation of a love relationship into a "friendly" relationship, it will last for several more months. Feelings will either flare up or fade away ... Partners will try many, many more times to return the lost relationship.

In the end, someone frankly "freaks out" at a partner and people will stop communicating at all. No "friends" will remain even in sight! Both former partners will be frankly offended and outraged by each other's behavior. Now they are separated forever. Random meetings will leave behind only an unpleasant aftertaste and irritation ...

At the same time, one of the partners can continue to sincerely love the other person, regret what happened, and openly suffer. However, the understanding that "the former partner does not need this" will sooner or later drown these echoes of love under the thickness of everyday worries and the need to create new relationships. Everyone has only one life! Alas, it is...

Final Scenario No. 2. The pause actually turned out to be temporary ...

Having gone through a series of conflicts, even saying goodbye forever and for some time making new partners for themselves, the lovers will still find the strength to return to each other after years of separation, and the relationship will resume. Excellent!

Final Scenario No. 3. "Friendship"-punishment for the cowardice of partners.

After several attempts to "stick together" the relationship, the partners will really "remain friends", they will call up and correspond, congratulate each other on all the holidays and the New Year. This is how life will pass ... However, in reality, it will only be an appearance of "friendly communication" ...

Former partners very often continue to selflessly love each other and curse either the indefinite behavior of their partner, or their own cowardice and mistakes in the struggle for past love relationships ...

With their indecision in the matter of restoring this love affair, the former lovers will only punish themselves. For decades, tormenting each other with officially restrained words and smiles, they will suffer, stealthily look at old photographs, dream where they are together, and cry quietly at night at the kitchen window: the main thing is that the husband or wife does not hear ...

Why is all this so sad and sad? To answer this question, we will bring the analysis of the "stay friends" method to the end.

Why "stay friends" is possible only in theory:

The essence of "friendly relations" - communication without sexual contact. However, it is worth recalling: love is a special behavioral program, the task of which is to optimize the process of relationships between people who are completely distant from each other so that they establish sexual contact as soon as possible (and preferably give birth to children). The love program cannot allow people who are sexually suited to each other and already have a relationship history to part "just like that." The mutual work done to bring partners closer together cannot and must not go to waste!

The mythical form of ending a love relationship, called "let's remain friends," completely contradicts the very essence and spirit of a love relationship!

From the point of view of biology, the communication of two sexually mature individuals of different sexes without sexual relations is a waste of time and vital energy. Mother Nature knows only two "correct" forms of communication: either communication between partners "in full", that is, with sex, or the absence of any communication at all. Either yes or no.

The creative human mind, driven into the social framework of modern life, has come up with a third form of "stay friends", which can be conditionally called: "neither yes nor no", in other words, "postpone".

Behavioral installation "stay friends" tries to reverse the love relationship, return them to the same "pre-sexual phase" of communication that the partners went through months or years ago.

From the point of view of a reasonable human consciousness, this is possible: most of the processes around are reversible. However, consciousness cannot regulate what was created by nature millions of years before its appearance. It does not control instincts well, does not reach the button to turn love on and off. Therefore, the friendly option "postpone" does not work in practice!

Yes, it is technically possible to stop sexual contacts with this particular sexual partner. Basically, it's easy. Moreover, finding a person at the same time exclusively for "naked sex" and thus compensating for the loss of a beloved sexual partner is not a big problem these days. But let's not forget one more thing: the very fact that there was already sex in the relationship between former partners has long turned on the behavioral program of jealousy! Unfortunately, it is already impossible to turn off this most important love feeling ...

Lack of sexual contacts does not turn off the jealousy program!

Have no illusions: The cessation of sexual contact never turns off the very feeling that is the strongest stimulant of love, the very scourge that drives one person to another so that someone else, furtively climbing on the bed, does not take advantage of his (her) absence partner! Jealousy is invented in order to ensure control over the person whom Love has given us. Love gives us a wide range of possible partners and generously allows us to choose with whom you wish to be friends. But Jealousy is something completely different. Jealousy is not shared with anyone ...

You can not meet and have sex with a former loved one for years. You can be perfectly aware that it is not destiny to form a family with him (her) ... But none of us can deceive Lady Jealousy! It is jealousy that spoils the whole speculative construction called "let's remain friends"! Jealousy requires us to constantly monitor that person who was already "ours", belonged only to you and no one else. But the agreement on the return of "pre-sexual friendships" directly contradicts this! Is not it? Of course it is! Hence the consequences...

If we are not in constant contact with a person, we cannot be sure that he/she is not having sex with someone else.

If we are all the time next to a person, we make it difficult for him and ourselves to create new sexual relationships. Since you and your loved one do not have other sexual partners, and "nature demands its own," this means that your sexual relationship will one day be resumed. And this is nothing more than the restoration of good old love relationships. We arrived at the same place where we tried to leave for so long and diligently ...

So we have come to the identification of that very ineradicable contradiction that does not allow us to translate love relationships back into friendships:

Friendship while maintaining communication, tenderness and mutual care, but with the rejection of sexual relations is possible only if the partners can overcome the "jealousy factor".

Three ways to get rid of jealousy towards an ex-partner:

1. Learn to be tolerant of your loved one's sexual contact with other partners. (Alas, this is nothing more than a theory ...);

2. Stop existing for each other physically. One of the partners will die or permanently move to another city or country;

3. Without leaving and without dying, to be able to completely block all channels of receipt of any information about each other. Otherwise, any information about the existence of a former loved one and a sexual partner will bring to life wild jealousy and rage!

Practice shows that most people physically cannot come to terms with the fact that his (her) loved one has someone. Probably you too...

Therefore, to be frank, all three of the above methods of getting rid of jealousy, in relation to post-love "friendship" do not work!

If the former lovers do not communicate with each other at all, then this is not "friendship". You can't "befriend" a shadow or a ghost! You can't take care of someone who isn't around, who doesn't exist in real living space!

Caring for that loved one who exists somewhere very close, is in direct physical contact with you, necessarily arouses sexual interest, mutual jealousy and forces you to restore love relationships in full, including sex. What is no longer "friendship"!

The technique of post-love "friendship" is nothing but a formal mockery of former partners over themselves, their loved one and love itself! Agree: this is exactly what it is!

Concluding the story about the technique, consider the consequences of its application:

Consequences of using the "stay friends" technique:

A study of the behavior of those couples who, frightened by a possible or coming crisis in a love relationship, hastily decided to move on to "friendly" relationships, shows the following:

Only one couple out of three manage to get their relationship back. However, the uncertainty that the partner will not “throw a knee” again leads to the fact that the first time after returning, people are very wary of each other. As a result of this, any problems in the relationship easily break the connection that has just been restored. Ultimately, only one out of three couples who met after a period of "friendship" reach the registry office on average.

In reunited couples, resentment against the initiator of the transition to "friendly relations", tai, and his (her) sense of guilt remain for a long time.

In reunited couples, mutual claims often arise about those people with whom the separated partners communicated at a time when they were only "friends" with each other. Those with whom "temporarily unoccupied" partners managed to meet (or have sexual contact) complicate their lives for a long time with their obsessive calls and text messages.

In reunited couples, much more often than in ordinary couples, quarrels arise due to the mutual jealousy that is caused by assumptions (or confidence) about certain sexual relationships of one's partner with other people at a time when mutual control was partially lost.

Taken together, all these reasons lead to the fact that even formed married couples do not always have a large margin of "internal strength". Their resistance to unfavorable circumstances increases only if both partners had additional love affairs at once and people agree to "forget everything by offsetting", that is, completely exclude topics that are painful for both from the discussion.

I hope that dear readers will take this data seriously.

conclusions:

The "stay friends" technique is completely contrary to the spirit and essence of a love relationship. This is a purely speculative construction, beneficial only to those who actually want to completely end their love relationship, but are embarrassed to openly admit this to a person who loves him (her). This is precisely what explains the persistence of the methodology: we are always very ashamed to admit that we have already fallen out of love with someone who takes care of us with such pleasure and continues to make plans for a joint future ...

The way out of the love crisis by transforming love relationships into non-sexual, purely "friendly" ones is only a beautiful form of destroying for some reason "unpromising" relationships. The number of minuses of this resuscitation technique is many times greater than the number of pluses ...

The "stay friends" technique is not really a successful technique for getting a couple out of a relationship crisis. This is a very convenient myth that allows us to use another person as a thing: "... I played a little and put (a) in place. If I want, I'll take it again. Maybe I'll even leave it forever. embarrassing..."

And then resentment is replaced by saving jealousy and even anger: “This toy turned out to be bad and unfaithful! She didn’t push away other people’s hands and dared to play with other people! ... Fu, how ugly all this is ... ".

The “stay friends” technique has only one dubious merit: parting with a loved one, you warn him (her) that a revival of relations is possible. However, if such a restoration of relations takes place, in fact, it will only be the merit of the person who showed loyalty to you and was able to wait. And you just could not find someone better at this time ...

"Hanging your relationship in the air," "putting it on hold," post-love friendships can actually help you really put all your energy into fixing those big issues that are preventing you from communicating. But, practice shows: it is much easier to overcome any difficulties of life if you feel the elbow and live support of your loved one...

Special Warning:

The "stay friends" method is the most conflicting of all methods of resuscitation of crisis relations!

No matter how hard you and your partner try, the unsatisfied jealousy and sexual desire of the former partner, together with offended pride, will poison your "friendly" relationship within a fairly short period of time, lead to mutual insults and conflicts, and quarrel you forever ...

The longer you have the illusion that you will be able to create "friendships" by simply mechanically eliminating sexual contacts from your communication, the more likely it is that you will soon completely stop communicating with the one you loved yesterday ...

The myth about the "let's part as friends" method will live on for a very long time: as long as people are ashamed to leave those who love them.

First. You should know the whole truth about the technique.

If you were asked to "remain friends", this could mean the following:

A person wants to test you "for lice": do you value this relationship, or have you been waiting for a reason to leave for a long time;

The person is not sure that he (she) needs you and thus "lets you go on all four sides";

The person is absolutely sure that he (she) does not need you;

Some kind of trouble happened to a person and he (a) does not want you to become a witness or participant in something unpleasant for you (this is such a concern);

A person does not understand the dangers and side effects of this technique and naively thinks that love relationships can be put on "pause".

A legitimate question is: What to do in this situation?

If you love a person and want to be together, by no means agree! Retell him the contents of this chapter. Perhaps this will make him (her) think about it and the question will disappear by itself.

Realize that your relationship is in crisis. Urgently try to use some other methods. For example, the technique "Overcoming relationship fatigue" or "Become a hero!".

Have a hard, frank conversation. Ask if the person is ready to fight for the relationship or not? If "yes" - then no "friends" are needed! You just need to look for other ways to normalize the situation. If "no" - there is nothing to fool you and keep you in the dark: you need to part without any illusory "transitional periods" in the form of post-love "friendship".

If the person answered "no", or you yourself came to understand the need to leave, disagree with a light heart. And there, as it will be, so it will be ... You can smile and communicate when you meet, good. If you can’t, find yourself a person who will really cherish you ...

Second. Come back as soon as possible!

If you are the one who initiated the "pause" in the relationship, and really want to return to the one who was turned into just a "friend", please do not delay the restoration of the relationship in full.

Always remember that two dangers await you at once, "Scylla and Charybdis" of "friendly" relations:

Firstly, a partner temporarily left by you "without supervision" may become a victim of his own hasty love "in the first (th) counter (th)". More about this was written in the chapter "Beware the word "freedom" in love relationships."

Secondly, the lack of sexual contacts will definitely play a bad joke on you, lead to jealousy, mutual anger and quickly ruin your initially even warmest relationship.

As unspent sexual energy accumulates, former partners will be more and more attracted to each other. If one of them begins to shy away from communication and meetings, refer to employment and the recently established new "rules of playing friends", this will certainly aggravate relations between the "former" loved ones.

If we are talking specifically about you, remember: as the relationship "dries up" and sexual tension increases, you will become more and more angry with each other. The external causes of this will be jealousy, irritation at the fact that someone else decides your fate, resentment due to wasted time and wounded pride. But, in fact, this will be a consequence of the pressure on your consciousness of unsatisfied sexual hunger. Let's be honest with ourselves: this is exactly the case ... You really want to have sex with your loved one (oh)!

In two or three months, your former partner, and now "just a friend" or "just a girlfriend" will begin to think something like this: "I have to stay at home when my ex-lover may already have found someone else and have fun spends his time! But he (a) refused to meet with me today! He (a), you see, is "busy"! This is necessary! "! How I used to be (a) blind (a)!!! I hate this man!".

Here is another option: "Of course, we seem to be friends now ... But still, he (a) devotes so little time to me offensively! This is outrageous !!! It's better not to communicate at all than to communicate like now! Before, one at a time to my call, this person dropped all his affairs and met with me ... And now, you see, he (she) has "business"! I wonder what he (a) is doing (a)?! More precisely, with whom?! once this time was only mine... No, I can't stand it! To hell with such friendship! I'll go for a walk... Maybe I'll meet someone and get distracted... Let him (a) rage and be jealous! And if he doesn't come running to me all in frustrated feelings, let him blame himself! We will live as we want ... And in general! I am a strong person! It's time to get used to the new reality ... ".

Become "friends" by simply "turning off the tap" of your sexuality,-naive and dangerous idea.

If you go this classic way, you will end up quarreling, hate each other, part as enemies, and simply cease to exist for each other. And there will be no more meetings, no calls! That's all "friendship" for you ...

If you really want to come back, come back as soon as possible. If you are sure of your return, guarantee it to your loved one! It will be easier for him (her) to survive the period of your employment (study, army, business trips, etc.). Only in this way will you be able to justify the use of the "stay friends" technique and achieve success.

Well, if the offer to "remain friends" is nothing more than a "smoke screen" with which you want to deceive your partner and bashfully cover up your departure, you should know: you are deceiving yourself. A few months after the start of a post-love "friendship", any thought of you will only cause resentment and irritation in the abandoned person ...

Third. Do you want to be friends-have sex!

Let's put aside all reticence and false modesty:

If you are going for "friendship" in order to rebuild your relationship later, you should satisfy your sexual hunger periodically.

The easiest option is to find yourself someone exclusively for sexual relations. Many people do just that. But, if a person admits the possibility of a relationship revival, this will inevitably force him to "encrypt" from a temporarily lost partner. And this leads to a lot of life's inconveniences and creates the danger that information about this intimate relationship can bring down all dreams of returning to each other.

Do not believe the fairy tales that by offering to "stay friends", your loved one is able to learn not to be jealous of you. This is the purest lie!

If your ex really loved and loves you, he/she is sure to keep an eye on your personal life even during your "friendship". Moreover, he will be jealous in the way that he was not jealous (a) in the very "heyday" of the relationship. To be jealous so that the pharmacy closest to him (her) will quickly run out of all stocks of sedatives ...

Yes, what to say! Ask yourself the question: are you ready to calmly look at your former loved one walking with someone "under the arm" ... Do not be cunning! Definitely not!!!

Of course, if you “put an end to it” on your return to your past partner, you can not limit yourself in anything. If you still dream of returning the old relationship, in order not to become a victim of the accumulated sexual tension, it must sometimes be "discharged". To do this, you have three possibilities, three methods of "sexual release".

Three methods of "sexual release" in "friendship":

1. Self-satisfaction (masturbation);

2. Sex with some new person, but with the obligatory "encryption" mode from the one with whom you want to renew the relationship;

3. Sex with someone with whom you have recently become "friends" due to your stupidity.

Keep in mind: in any case, having sex is necessary. I hope you already understood this. Only in this way will you "extinguish" the flame of your jealousy!

Fourth. The best sex ever-sex with someone you're "friends" with.

Of course, this statement sounds somewhat paradoxical. I agree. However, whether someone likes it or not, my observations show the following: At least episodic sexual contacts with someone with whom you are now "just friends" are the only way to maintain a mood of mutual care and sincere concern for each other, the best condition for long-term preserving the very possibility of further restoration of love relationships.

If you really love and don't want to cut off your relationship - you definitely need joint sex!

The mode of "spicy" meetings can be completely different: from once a week to once every two or three months. It depends on the partners themselves. The main thing is that these meetings take place on time, just when the accumulated sexual and emotional hunger for a loved one has not yet had time to transform into its extreme - resentment, anger, jealousy and aggression.

If you really want to rebuild your relationship, keeping sexual contact with someone you are technically "just friends" eliminates the need to find new sexual partners (for both of you), prevents you from moving away from each other, and helps to overcome the crisis as soon as possible.

It makes sense to maintain a sexual relationship with a former (her) beloved (oh) even then he (she) will have a new partner (friend, girlfriend, husband, wife)! The very fact of having episodic sex will "discharge" jealousy, create the illusion that this person still remains "yours", is a kind of property, answers the main love question: "he is mine, she is mine."

Only the perception of a person in the form of his property creates the necessary conditions for caring for him, allows you to feel tenderness for him. We all care only about our own, we are indifferent to someone else's ...

Sooner or later, the fact of your sexual relationship with "just a friend (girlfriend)" will come into conflict with the fact that one of the former lovers (or both at once) will have a new serious relationship and new sexual partners. Simply put, maintaining a sexual relationship with a past partner will one day turn into cheating in front of a current partner (it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or his (her)). And this will have to be taken into account ...

Of course, this is a very delicate situation. In it, you will have to act solely at your own discretion. But keep in mind:

Abrupt refusal of sex is a conflict with someone you loved before. Then past sexual meetings "for the sake of maintaining friendship" become simply meaningless: quarrels and cooling of relations will still occur ...

Continued sex is a "double game". This is a real danger of conflict with that new person who is more "promising" for you (or your former partner). Wherever you throw it, everywhere is a wedge!

There is only one way out: a planned decrease in the number of sexual encounters with the "former (her)", gradually bringing them to zero. But not abruptly and not immediately: this way you will hurt everyone very much! Only for a relatively long period: from several months to a year. At the same time, it is necessary to continue to take care of each other, to be actively interested in his (her) life, to call each other ...

Life is a paradoxical thing ... It often happens that lying in the same bed with your former partner in love relationships, you can give him (her) advice on the proper organization of economic or sexual life with his (her) new partner (husband or wife )… And get the same recommendations in return…

To some this may seem wild, but it is, in fact, exactly so! However, this will only testify to the fact that in fact people still love each other and secretly suffer ...

Everything that was said in this paragraph of recommendations may seem immoral to someone. However, it is not! This is just an example of what a frank conversation about difficult personal topics should be like. In the end, cheating on your current partner for the sake of loving your past partner will always be justified by four "fatal reasons":

Only with this approach is it possible to maintain a positive emotional background when communicating between former partners;

Only in this way is it possible at any moment to fan the fire of past love, renew relations and bring the matter to the registry office;

No one who has entered into a new love relationship is aware of whether his/her new partner is in exactly the same sexual relationship with his/her former lover;

Love relationships appeared much earlier than human morality. They are many millions of years older than them. Since we do not condemn crocodiles for hunting antelopes in the same way as they once did in the era of dinosaurs, then there is nothing to condemn those who continue to love and want that person who could not stay near forever ...

Fifth. Do not rush to change each other. Time will tell…

I never get tired of saying that this book analyzes situations related specifically to the presence of a feeling of love. Love is always the hope of being together. You can't kill her just like that: one love can only be defeated by another love! Moreover, it is necessarily stronger ... As long as the hope of being together lives, love will also live. He will live an unusually long time, perhaps exactly as long as the one who still loves will live ...

So let's use this circumstance! Terminating a relationship with your partner, you can agree to consider this only a "temporary phenomenon", a "forced respite", a "technical break" for a while until your life situation improves. Having agreed, just think so. That's exactly what you think. Drive away the "demon of doubt"!

Why does the partner offer to remain friends, and does not completely end the relationship?

Unfortunately, such an offer does not always mean the intention to be friends. It is possible that your lover / th lost heart / la and did not find / la enough strength in himself to tell you honestly that everything is over between you.

This behavior is dictated by a sense of guilt towards you, an already former participant / partner of the relationship, and a desire to smooth out internal discomfort. So to say, to save face in front of oneself - to remain with a good opinion of oneself. In this way, the partner will gradually accustom you to the idea that you are not together, making the breakup less painful for you. This “wise and noble” way of solving a problem helps him/her avoid feeling guilty towards you.

If friendship is more than love

Of course, it also happens that a man and a woman converge due to the commonality of vital interests, views, and the same worldview. The priority here may be the passion for some idea, the desire to achieve a common goal. This is especially true for people who have devoted themselves to a career or creativity.

And in this case, love relationships can distract such a person from the dominant sphere and create unnecessary tension in the couple. This is what can serve to ensure that the partner wants to break off the love relationship, but leave the opportunity to communicate with a person who is close in spirit and offer: "Let's remain friends."

Here you need to understand that a person wants to put an end to a love relationship. Despite the fact that he sincerely wants to continue communication with you, all attempts to get closer to a distance greater than a friend will be stopped. This will be perceived by him as an obstacle to the achievement of his goals and a restriction of freedoms.

There is another situation in which a lover/s unexpectedly offers to remain friends when everything seemed to be going well at first. It is at such a moment when the relationship becomes more intimate (in the shower, not the physical sense) or the partner needs to make commitments, he / she suggests a little distance - to communicate just like friends. However, this does not imply separation.

This is due to the fact that, due to their fears, complexes, negative experiences, the partner, on the one hand, is afraid to enter into long-term close relationships. But on the other hand, he wants and really needs such a relationship. This ambivalence of partner needs can lead your relationship into a game of "closer-further."

This means that whenever you get emotionally close to your partner, he/she will show a chill. However, once you agree to just friendship, your partner will convict you of insufficient love for him / her. And if your behavior is not very convincing, according to the partner, then he / she will prefer to break them.

Although for some time, you may be able to stay in such a relationship. Here, a feature of friendship between a man and a woman will be the confusion of the concepts themselves in these relations. You will be considered a "friend", but very close. So close that sometimes you will wake up in the same bed.

This behavior is due to the deep problems of the partner / shi, associated with a basic mistrust of the world. It is formed in early childhood as a result of parental upbringing. It is the violation in the development of relations between the child and parents that entails the consequences of the fact that the grown-up child in adulthood avoids relationships with people, since he does not have the appropriate experience of being in them.

This is the only case where the partner/sha has a need for intimacy. However, his/her own fear stops his/her desire for close relationships and makes it almost impossible for partners to build a truly trusting and long-term relationship.

Perhaps the most unenviable situation if you are in a love triangle.

When a guy and a girl enter into a love relationship, and then it turns out that the beloved is married or just has a relationship on the side. Moreover, these other relationships could appear both before you met, and after that. The key point is the fact that the partner gives preference to other relationships.

These cheaters unknowingly enter difficult relationships in order to feed their self-worth through feelings of suffering, jealousy, guilt, remorse, and forgiveness. Thus, a person compensates for his failure to build a full-fledged relationship in a pair. The fact of other relationships that has surfaced can affect the further development of events in different ways.

Fearing to destroy his real relationship, he/she may try to convert yours into a friendly format. The fact is that while you did not claim exclusive rights to him / her, the partner / sha could afford a relationship with you. As soon as this began to threaten a real relationship, the partner / sha will attempt to move you to a safe distance.

And the offer - let's be friends, is just a signal that you are violating his / her comfort zone. You are given to understand that in fact you do not have any exclusive rights to him / her. In this case, if there is a love relationship, it will be exclusively “out of friendship”.

In another version of the love triangle, he / she, on the contrary, wants to continue a close relationship with you, but without prejudice to the present. This is especially expressed in the classic triangle "husband-wife-husband's mistress." In this scenario, everything suits the man himself, and he does not intend to change anything. And to smooth over this awkward moment about his double life, he may offer to remain friends. In this case, your role in his life is emphasized, where you are given an honorable second place after your wife.

Relationships in a love triangle is the topic of a separate article.

In the context of today's topic, it is important for us to consider this situation from the point of view of understanding the proposal received from the partner: "Let's remain friends."

Such an offer in this situation means that you are actually offered to consciously enter into a love triangle. in such a triangle has its own nuances. Calling you a "friend", the partner will nevertheless mean you as a "lover / tsy".

Remember that in such a triangle, in fact, all participants suffer, and the possibility of finding personal and family happiness is rather doubtful for you.

What if you still take a chance and agree to friendship?

Before agreeing to such a friendship, you should pay attention to an important nuance in this situation. Try to define for yourself:

What do I want from this relationship?

What feelings do I have for my partner/shea?

Will you be able to communicate with your partner/her without experiencing sexual desires for him/her?

Are you sure that you will not be jealous of your partner/shu for his/her new chosen one/th?

It should be noted that you have opposite needs in this relationship - you want a loving relationship and strive for it, while your partner / sha does not want love with you and will avoid it. Therefore, you will not be able to build normal relationships, even just friendly ones.

What will happen to you in such a friendship? You will constantly prove your worth as a loved one / oh. To be tormented by questions: What is wrong with me? Why don't I fit? Why doesn't she/he want to be with me? Such friendship will be accompanied by your difficult inner experiences. By agreeing to the offer - "let's remain friends", you will most likely experience a mixed cocktail of resentment, anger and despair.

Perhaps the phrase "Let's remain friends" is one of the most undesirable in a conversation between lovers. Moreover, as practice shows, most often people fail to continue communication in a friendly format. How to behave if one day your man offered to be just friends with him from now on? And is it worth trying to return it?

Will we stay or will we leave?

A couple's breakup is one of the most dramatic moments, and it seems natural for both parties to want to avoid heartache and disappointment. But what if one of the partners is still confident that the relationship can be improved, and the other has already tuned in to a new life and new relationships?

Since love always involves reciprocity, parting seems to be one of the most logical options in this case. In an attempt to avoid tears and reproaches from the one who is, in fact, dumped, the initiator of the breakup may offer to "remain friends."

Do not be deceived, because this beautiful phrase, in fact, is a diplomatic formulation, implying a complete finale of relations in their usual format. The offer to remain friends often has one goal - to end the relationship as gently as possible and soften the severity of the partner's feelings.

However, there is also a selfish component, because, by offering his former passion to remain friends, a man most often tries to avoid tears on her part and attempts to return the relationship. In general, this is one of the attempts to leave beautifully, to complete the relationship that has lost its relevance on a positive note.

In truth…

If in response to an ardent declaration of love you heard an offer to remain friends, then admit honestly at least to yourself - your feelings were rejected. No, no, most likely, you will be able to communicate with someone who is so dear to your heart, but this man simply does not need your love. Perhaps he has another, or you were not to his taste - if a man is interested in continuing the relationship, he will not offer friendship.

Most likely, your man simply does not have the courage to say that he is not ready for a relationship with you, and the result is a “diplomatic game” in which there can be no winners. Friendship involves sincere and open communication based on complete trust, and such an offer most often involves a lot of understatement. It’s embarrassing for you to break the very line where friendship ends and love begins. The man is also in suspense, because he understands perfectly well that you have not friendly feelings for him. And as a result, instead of sincere and easy communication, fake conversations or a complete avoidance of the one to whom friendship was recently offered are obtained.

If the beloved man offered to remain friends, then the moment has come to face the truth and admit it, no matter how painful it may seem to you. You and the object of your love have completely different expectations from communicating with each other. And if you are not ready to perceive your man only as a friend, then do not be deceived and do not harbor illusions - in such a relationship it is better to put an end to it.

Hope or self-deception?

However, not everything is so simple - it is often very difficult to put an end to a relationship with a beloved man. The hope that the relationship will be restored, and everything will be as before again, is very strong, and many women still accept the offer to "remain friends." In this, they see a reason for further communication with a man, an opportunity to transfer relations from a friendly format to a love one. However, most psychologists are convinced that this, if it happens, is extremely rare.

If you are convinced that the relationship can still be improved, then you should not confuse it even more by mixing love with friendship. It is better to honestly admit to your man that you are not ready to perceive him as a friend, that he means much more to you. You're just taking a break from the relationship. Yes, this path may be more difficult for you, but at least you both will get the opportunity to calmly think things over and not hurt yourself with constant falseness in pseudo-friendly communication.

A strained-fake friendship with a beloved man does not bring relief, but stirs up a wounded heart worse than an official parting. If you accept the offer to “remain friends” only because of the hope of restoring relations, then most often this turns into a complete self-deception.

Even in the most extreme case, it is better to take a break for a certain time in order to analyze what led to the breakup and outline actions to get closer to those who are so dear to you. And if during this time your feelings begin to cool, then everything was for the better, and you will have new acquaintances, dates and unusual twists in love stories ahead.